I am so tired

I am so tired of the hustle.

I am so tired of struggle.

I am so tired of trying to be seen and heard in a frantic market place of desperate people trying to be seen and heard.

I am so tired of anxiety.

I am so tired of the daily reminders that nothing I have is valued in this world.

I am so tired of uselessness.

I am so tired that what I do and what I have learned means nothing because I don’t know how to brand and sell it.

I am so tired of this ‘freedom’ that they’ve told us we can have. It’s a fraud. We’re slaves to the greed of the rich.

I am so tired that I fought for decades for a better world, and have ended up in one every bit as self-righteous, judgemental and sanctimonious as the one we thought we’d left behind.

I am so tired that, aged 60, I find no place that values me.

I am so tired, each year, of getting poorer.

I am so tired being sold dreams of a better life by snakeoil salesmen whose only skill is finding new wrapping for old shit.

I am so tired that places of thought, conversation and enquiry are now gated-compounds for the rich alone. The rest of us are too busy scrabbling.

I am so tired of trying to believe that each small action I take might amount to something.

I am tired of trying to have faith.

I am tired of giving things away for free and finding, when I ask for money for my work, there’s no money to be found.

I am so tired of hustle.

I am so tired of being tired.

I am so tired of trying to hope.

I am so tired of cruelty, hate and ecocide.

I am so tired of being told it’s all my mindset problem.

I am so tired of being told despair is a problem of my ‘limiting thoughts’.

I am so tired of being told that I can make a better future if I just try hard enough.

I’m tired of trying.

I’m beyond tired.

My soul is weary.

But I cannot stop, because I must put food on the table.

I am so tired of needing to put food on the table.

So tired.