Self-With-Others #5: Collaboration & Cooperation
If you’d rather listen to me read this, you can get the audio here: https://bit.ly/SWO5Collaboration
Let’s imagine.
One day at work you hear someone’s annoyed with you.
You had a conversation with them yesterday and everything seemed fine.
Now it seems something’s gone wrong.
Who’s responsible?
You? Did you say or do the wrong thing? Did you bring a bad attitude into the conversation?
Was it the way the conversation happened? Did you not really connect? Did the other person have an attitude you didn’t notice? Was there no space to express doubts or misgivings? Were you both in so much of a hurry you didn’t give the conversation the time it needed?
The system? Was it the wrong time or place for that conversation? Was there a power dynamic that got in the way of real communication? Did one or the other of you feel disempowered, stressed or resentful? Might the conversation have gone better if it had happened somewhere else?
It could be any of them. It could be a combination of two or all three.
These are the three ‘domains’ we pay attention to:
The Self (Inner Work).
Connection (Collaboration & Team Work).
Systems (Structures, Power and Processes).
Some things are our responsibility. We do things. Our choices have consequences. The blame or praise for our choices belongs to each of us. Bringing ourself into alignment internally, helps us make choices we most truly want to make.
Other people are responsible for what they think and do. Stuff happens which we’ve no say over. People’s actions effect us. Their actions are not our responsibility, though our reactions are. We can’t understand or influence the actions of others unless we pay attention to how we connect with them (and enable them to connect with us).
Some things happen as a result of the system we and others work within. By ’system’ I mean: the way communication happens, where connections take place, how interactions are structured and managed, power dynamics, time pressures….. The elements of a system are varied and complex.
Separate these three domains.
What’s your responsibility?
What’s a relationship/connection breakdown?
What’s the result of the system you’re part of?
We’ve a lot of control over our thoughts and actions - though developing the discipline to exercise that control takes time.
Other people? We can influence, empower and encourage them. How effectively we do that depends on the quality of our relationships. We can’t, ultimately, control other people. We can choose how to connect (or not) with them.
We can always choose, at some level, what systems to be part of and how to be part of them. We get to make choices (and live by the consequences). These choices work best if they align with our deepest sense of purpose and principles.
If something happens that’s not a consequence of how we are, how we’re connecting or the system we’re in, but is purely the result of someone else’s choices, we probably can’t do very much about it. If something’s out of our control, don’t waste energy trying to change it. Move on.
Not to separate these three domains can destroy self-esteem, relationships and our ability to take action in the world.
We end up beating ourself up when things go wrong, even though it’s not a result of our actions.
We get caught in webs of misunderstanding or miscommunication because we’re not in healthy relationships with the world and people around us.
We look for someone to blame when we’re part of a team where, though everyone is working well, is good at their job and has good intentions, the outcomes disappoint or miss target. Perhaps we’re part of a failing system!
When we want to make changes, ask ‘Which domain needs primary attention?’
Sometimes we need to work on mindset or skills.
Sometimes we need to work on how we connect with people and the world, or how we connect with elements of ourself.
Sometimes we need to examine the context in which we operate to see how it helps or hinders us from achieving our objectives
At the heart of this is the relationship between co-operation and competition.
We’re taught competition is strong, co-operation is weak.
This is nonsense.
All life thrives in balance between competition and co-operation. That’s how nature works. That’s how humans work too - after all we’re part of nature. Humans thrive in collaborative networks.
Over the last centuries there’s been an increasing, obsessive emphasis on individualism - often at the expense of community or collective action. The Isolated Self is King!
A mono-focus on competition places us in continual low-level (sometimes high-level) conflict with one another. It ‘privatises’ struggle and success. When things aren’t going our way, we’re told, it’s all our fault. When things are great, we’re told, the credit belongs to us and us alone.
This isn’t sustainable nor healthy. Nor is it accurate.
Experiences, good and bad, are a combination of our actions, other people’s actions and the context we’re operating in. We create our successes, but they also depend on luck, accident, and the communities we’re part of. Daily life is a combination of Inner Work, Connectedness and the Systems we’re part of.
The Interconnected Self sits in the intersection of those three domains.
I am offering this entire series of emails free. They represent the fruits of thirty years practical research and I’d rather they were out in the world than sitting on my computer.
If what I write is useful to you and you’d like to offer payment, you’re very welcome to buy me a virtual coffee