You’re not in control

You’re not powerless either

Dear Friend,

The idea we're in control is comforting. It’s also untrue.

Control is an illusion - sometimes a useful, necessary illusion, but you’re never really in control of anything.

However carefully you drive your car, there are other road users, and deer wait to leap from the verge. You can plan an event meticulously, but the world can change in an instant - a lockdown, national football game, devastating international crisis. You can design your decades-long career-progression, then illness or accident upend your ‘best-laid plans’. A traffic jam, a colleague having a tough time, a misunderstanding, all can derail a day’s plans. Always, everywhere, the unexpected lurks.

It’s generally a good thing. We learn, live, and grow, by responding to the curved balls the universe throws at us.

Do you really want to be living - at age 60 - by the plans you made at age 20? Our dreams and ambitions negotiate with, and evolve alongside, reality. Surely that’s better than ignoring life to stick to a teenager’s plan?.

We don’t even control our thinking. Unexpected ideas. irrational fears, moments of forgetfulness, all wreak havoc with our intentions. We have limited control over our bodies: illness, injury, physical changes, all bring unexpected challenges and opportunities at every stage of life.

We never control other people’s thinking and emotions. History is dotted with stories of all-powerful men who believed they were worshipped, only to be toppled from power in a moment when the tide turned against them. (There’s one reason to be hopeful).

However articulate we are, or adept at manipulating other people’s emotions, our influence is only ever partial. People will think what they think - based on their history and expectations. They’ll hear what they expect to hear. They’ll interpret in accordance with their unique view of the world, not in accordance with your plan.

If you try, always, to be in control, you’re trying to live in a universe that doesn’t exist. You’re living an illusion.

Illusion and imagination are wonderful. They’re powerful ways to build a path through this uncertain, unpredictable world. But let’s not confuse illusion with reality. Daily life is reality. Reality tests our decisions.

The unexpected is woven into the fabric of reality.

Though we control nothing, we are not powerless. We influence. We improve. We shape. Through choices, decisions and actions, we make some things more likely, some less. We have agency and influence, not control.

The illusion of control ignores the thorny awkwardness of reality. While we might sometimes retreat into its comforting fantasy, it’s not a smart place to live. It’s delusion.

Instead we can celebrate our ability to tilt the table of reality in directions that favour us.

In a battle between illusion and reality, reality will always win. It’s stronger and has been around a lot longer than any of us.

+++

This is the first draft of one of the early chapters in a new book I’m writing. If you know anyone who works in publishing and might be able to help me bring it to the world, please drop me a line.

As always, if you’re interested in coaching or mentorship, drop me an email by replying to this message.

Warmest Wishes to you

John